beefy dreams
At the end of May I decided to get more serious about strength training. I've been working out consistently for about two and a half years now! Something I'm super proud of. I've always considered myself an athletic person, which is funny because I've never been very fit. I'm just stubborn and was thin for most of my life so I figured I was. I honestly think this out of character confidence has helped me a lot though, especially for running as it's 95% willpower.
I used to run cross country in early high school but I was always pretty slow. My coach wasn't great and my shoes probably didn't match my gait so my hips always hurt horribly after races. The other girls bullied me for "being a lesbian". I like boys (and girls) but didn't realize it at the time. I am transmasculine though, but didn't realize it until recently... 10 years after this. How unfair these little bitches knew before me.
ANYWAY I've been making steady progress in all my workouts the past few years. In order to keep the habit I just let myself do whatever I want. My true love is yoga, and i adore Kierra Michelle's peloton yoga classes. I would love to do in person classes again with a local studio but it's so expensive. And the nearby places don't really speak to me.
I'm currently transitioning, and have been on HRT for 3 years. I started on the lowest dose of injection and slowly worked up to my "low average" dose now. I've never had a clear vision of what I would like to look like from HRT, all i knew was that I wanted to look more boyish.
Gaining muscle and strength has definitely activated something in me. I was feeling pretty butch and strong especially compared to my coworkers, who are majority nerd dudes, and friends, who are female & not on T. But last month i got a new coworker and... he's like totally jacked and pretty hot too. I think in my brain i was serving Arnold Swartzlander but that's absolutely not the case lol. I'm soo much stronger than I was but in the grand scheme of things I'm only approaching fit, especially when compared to cis men. Which is fine! Like i knew this. But I'm also just so used to having actually zero upper body muscles that my little muscles felt giant in comparison. I was also kinda scared of looking too huge i think. There's a part of me that enjoys my femininity and probably a bigger part that is simply scared of changing. So seeing this guy and realizing that I want to look like him kinda broke through a barrier in my mind.
I think I was afraid to admit what I really wanted. It just felt kinda silly honestly. I'm also still kinda afraid of looking more masculine and having my lover not be attracted to me anymore. Or like intimidating him? I'm pretty sure even straight guys are turned on by built guys, so I'm sure it's ok.. We've made it this far and we still really love each other a lot so I shouldn't worry so much.
I'm acting like I'm going to suddenly wake up like the hulk and be like ohh noo wtff. Lol. There's just something scary about choosing to look different and knowing people are going to start to notice a change.