Why am I so ashamed of existing on earth in reality?
I'm sooo fucked and feeling very dysphoric recently. and honestly feeling dysphoric makes me more dysphoric because it feels so fucking stupid and cringy. I feel like I haven't cared/thought about gender since coming back to the record store job. Which is nice, like I was feeling pretty content with how I look and the progress i've made. I'm losing fat and getting stronger and my face doesn't have that baby tboy bloat really anymore. I was comfy with my dose of T even when the fake phone doctor told me my t levels are on the low side, because that's always been my goal...
buuut i got a real wakeup call to my desires when we got a new coworker who is totally ripped and pretty, and like honestly pretty autistic. Epic W imo. (2/3 of my coworkers are aspies lmao) Before he came along I've been feeling pretty butch at work. All of my coworkers are nerds of some sort, so pretty much everyone isn't very fit. So in comparison i felt actually pretty masculine and shit. It sounds like im talking shit about them but I love my coworkers, all v nice and treat me like a boy etc. They just don't care about being beefy. I don't think I realized how often I was comparing myself to them until hot guy came to work here. And then suddenly I felt like a kid brother at best, but mostly aware and embarrassed of how girly I look.
I want to be feminine! I enjoy being pretty and having long hair. I would hate for HRT to make my ass any smaller. For the past few months I've been looking for a perfect pair of patent leather pumps and felt jealous of the girls at a show with their long hair and dresses. I've been feeling stuck in the middle, or in some other "other" space when it comes to gender. When I first started HRT i had a dream that my bf and his best friend (who i was/am also in love with) made me wear basketball shorts. I was like nooo! but they were like >:( "well this is what you agreed to". Which is so hilarious but also I think still sums up my fears regarding transitioning? ALSO I can barely bring myself to say I'm transitioning because that just sounds so gay (no offense). I think I still have a lot of hate towards trans guys for some reason. (and therefore, towards myself U_U) I don't feel this way at all towards transfems. When people assume I'm a transwoman I have a hard time correcting them since I actually respect tgirls. I'm so embarrassed to say I'm a tboy.. Even writing that makes me wanna puke.
My teenage self is still like -__- "why would you become an ugly guy on purpose, just suck it up. Hot girls can do whatever they want"... which is true, and I kinda had fun being a "hot?" girl. It's just that I couldn't do it anymore. Also problematic but I gained like 40 pounds so I looked like an actual woman and less androgynous (to me at least, i don't think i was ever actually androgynous). And that was just the nail in the coffin for my girlhood. Can't do Woman sorry that's disgusting. . This is so evil but my egg cracked when I saw actual hot tboys for the first time. I only knew lame tumblr social justice warriors growing up, and thats what I saw online. Or like overly twee ukulele playing vloggers begging for top surgery money. Both options are stupendously lame. Objectively I know there are as many types of people who are transmasc as anything. I know this is true and I've met and had crushes on really cool transmasc people! I'm just haunted by this guy i've made up, and worry that's how other people see me.
His favorite character is America from Hetalia BTW. He probably has a homestuck name or something.
I also really wanted to pass when he was hired, and I'm sure I didn't. I've been really disliking having boobs, another thing the tumblr boy haunting me is making me embarrassed to desire. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of wanting top surgery. "they're not big at all!" is what I tell myself. But they just make me feel frumpy and gross. Even when I was thin, they've always registered in my brain as frumpy moobs. The soft chest of a pudgy gradeschool boy. I've gotten over my plump tummy, but I really dislike my chest.
It's really hard admitting what I want to look like. Its scary wanting something because when it doesn't come true it will hurt more. I'm embarrassed by wanting things, sometimes even very benign things like preferring a flavor over another. I'm getting better at recognizing when I want something, and "indulging" myself with pleasure. But when it comes to my appearance it feels scary. I'm ashamed for other people to see what I desire.
I think I'm honestly jealous of transsexuals who really know what they want and need. I gave up and buried the thought of transitioning a long time ago. I decided I wasn't going to do it, and now that I am, it's hard to see what I want. This hesitation makes me feel like a poser, and like i'm not actually trans. What that actually means, idk. If someone were to tell me they feel this way I'd be like whaat who cares, just do what you want.
I've been working out for 2 years now (! actually v proud of myself, its fun) and since beefy coworker arrived I wanted to go at it in a more structured way. I want to make sure I'm eating enough and try to get bigger. I started thinking how weird it would be for my friends and coworkers to see me so suddenly huge and whatever. As if this sort of thing doesn't take a very long time. I am still worried to change! Even though just thinking about it makes me wet lmao. Also who would be mad if I were to get ripped?? like what the hell am I talking about??? Why am I so ashamed of existing on earth in reality? I'm gonna give my 17 year old self a bolt action rifle and a compass and airdrop her onto contested soviet land in 1954. I'm tired of her shit.
I will be a 17 year old girl trying to kill myself forever! AHHhhhh gets washed down the storm drain and dies
anyway i'm gonna go workout now byee