if i could choose, id rather have no one
I ran off to the only open gay bar in chicago on thanksgiving night. Had a mediocre time being misgendered by assorted uninteresting gay guys. Was bought too many drinks and stumbled back to the place i was staying with my mom for the night. (up visiting my brother) I was exuberant running through the empty streets in the cold crisp air. Finally feeling like myself, giving a stranger a $10 bill (he promised to pay me back), flinging myself down the tiny slides in a school playground. It was a 20 minute walk from the train station to the house, and I wanted to stay out forever. I stopped my skipping to walk as slow as I can, looking up to admire the buildings and paltry stars visible through the light pollution. Panting to watch my breath condense and blow away.
You have to climb 4 stories up a metal spiral staircase to get to the room we were staying. I am afraid of heights. The cold wind made the structure shake. But I was unafraid, emboldened by my adventure alone through the city. My mom was annoyed at me, (where were you?) I didn't get her texts. I ignored her questions, i don't really remember what she was asking. She's never stayed up for me before so i was surprised she was awake. She had drank my soju and was on her phone, playing some game or scrolling through facebook.
I took off my clothes and went to eat my yogurt standing up, looking out the window. "You know..." my mom starts, in a moment of uncharacteristic sincerity, "You know, I cried when Charlie Kirk was shot."
So surprised by this I start laughing my ass off, absolutely cackling, drunk and unashamed. Part of me was hoping she was going to say something sweet to me, and the double whammy reality check was so stupid and amazing I couldn't help but double over in laughter.
She tried to talk to me about other similar bullshit until I went to sleep but I was so delighted by this moment that nothing she said even began to bother me. It was such an affirming moment, to be shown her true nature after I constantly make excuses for her in my head.
Anyway I don't want to see her ever again.